If you were a diver and found yourself in last place in the last round of the Olympics, wouldn’t you be tempted to knock out a world class cannonball? You would be forever famous and surely, your countrymen and women would applaud your courage. We certainly would.
Do you think that ladybugs know that everyone loves them? I bet they showoff in front of the other insects when they are out flying around. “Watch this Mosquito, I’m totally going to land on that dude over there. 10 bucks says he calls the kids over to see how adorable I am.” It must be how Australians feel when they travel.
Mastering the grilled cheese sandwich is a skill one can only achieve after years of parenting. Even then, the probability of cheesy perfection is not in your favor:
- Situation #1: You are pressed for time (which is why you are serving grilled cheese for dinner) and rush through the initial staging activities. Your haste results in a grotesquely uneven butter spread but you say to yourself, “It’ll work itself out.” It doesn’t, and manifests itself into the black edges, soggy middle, and patches of uncooked bread that have become your grilled cheese hallmark.
- Situation #2: You are acutely aware of how you burned the grilled cheese last time and therefore aggressively flip the sandwich every five seconds to ‘see how the other side is doing.’ This ends up shifting the alignment of the bread pieces, enabling cheese leakage and the inevitable smoking pile of goop on your pan.
- Situation #3: You are seconds away from perfection when your phone lights up, notifying you that @snarkypants78 just mentioned you in a comment. Can’t hurt to take a quick look at what he said, right? There is a reason why grilled cheese was voted the most likely meal to set-off the smoke detector.
In light of what you are up against, when you do manage to craft the coveted golden square of delciousness, make sure you pause to reflect on your achievement … and then send us a selfie.
My son watches a cartoon where the characters can assume the ‘super power’ of any animal. A cheetah’s speed, a bear’s strength, an eagle’s sight. My animal super power would likely be that of the firefly. There are hundreds of situations where illuminating my butt would be super helpful. Power outage, conversation starter, dropping something beneath your seat while driving. Practical and fun.
O’ Nap, o’ Nap, o’ glorious Nap,
Wherever did you go?
You used to be so magical,
You used to be my bro.
We did not talk,
There was no need,
You and I just knew.
That when we got together,
Pure happiness would ensue.
Sometimes long and sometimes short,
I loved you all the same.
You were there for me
And I for you,
But now I never hear your name.
I miss you Nap, I want you back,
The truth, I must confess.
My days are scattered,
Lost, in disarray,
They call me The Hot Mess.
Remember when soap used to leave you smelling like … well, soap? There are definitely worse things to smell like but the advances in personal fragrance technology over the last ten years have been remarkable, leaving the smell of ‘soap’ behind us. Now I smell like a Japanese Cherry Blossom that was pelted by Frosted Coconut Snowballs as a glorious Plumeria Sunrise breaks on the horizon of what will surely be a Beautiful Day. Thank you Bath & Body works.
Imagine how great it would be to own your own airplane banner business. You could put any message you wanted in big, glorious letters in the sky. Maybe you need to set the record straight on an outstanding argument:
“Happy Anniversary! Love your FAVORITE son.”
Or provide suggestions for your fellow citizens:
“Just remember, the left lane is for passing.”
Favorite movie quote? That would brighten everyone’s day, right?
“Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Aha ha.”
Or maybe you think everyone appreciates bad parenting jokes as much as you do:
“Whoever smelt it, dealt it.”
The sky is the limit!